So I got to thinking. I want to go on a cruise. And then I thought, don't they have cruises for single's only. Then I thought, oh my God, how sweet would that be. Dicks lined up for me to choose from! I could spare a thousand or two bucks for the chance at some at sea monkey lovin'!

Now, one obstacle remains. Which one of you single, horny bitches is going with me? Seriously. I mean, I seriously want to do this, maybe this coming winter or next spring. Can you imagine if we got like half a dozen or more of us to go? How sweet would that be. And to prove it to you bitches that I'm serious about this, I want you to EMAIL ME if you think there's even the slightest chance you might want to go in on this with me. I'll start looking into the details.

FUCK EVERYONE TODAY!!!!!

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

I just wanted to ask a question and then I'm outtie.

Why are people so offended when I tell them I have gas? I mean, it's not like I said, "I'm going to fart ON you." Lighten up, fuckers, that's all I'm trying to do!

"Nigga you must be crazy
What you gonna do with a bitch like me
Door knock so tight
Make ya cum all night
And you can't handle me"

I think I should play it over the intercom.

See, I told you it's been too long since I've had some action.

Also, I deal with a lot of Excel spreadsheets at work. And I was just thinking, "spreadsheet" sounds like a dirty word. Think about it, "Hey boss, I'll have that spreadsheet on your desk right away." Damn, now I'll never be able to say, "spreadsheet" again at work again without thinking dirty thoughts. Oh wait, I have dirty thoughts at work anyway.

Yes, I know my ex-sister-in-law left my brother for another man and I keep going on about what a whore she is, so that probably makes me a hypocrite at worst and having double standards at best. But, what makes her so different from the rest is the pure hatred and aggression she displayed towards my brother and my family throughout the entire process, knowing damn well she was in the wrong. And you can eat my ass if you don't understand that.

Besides, nobody fucks with my family or friends and has my approval, regardless.

The most ironic part for me is when the whore first left my brother and was ripe with anger (see: guilt) she was pulling anything and everything out of her ass to try and hurt him. At one point she told my brother she didn't want my nieces around me because supposedly I'm a bad influence because I'm a "single mother." Hmm, that's funny. Considering she is now a single mother of two by one guy and one on the way by another guy. Can you say adulterous whoring single mother?

Hey, at least I'm honest about my whoring.

This is my hotel room. My company always put us up pretty nice. We went to the restaurant/bar in the hotel one night and there were bottles of wine on the menu for upwards of $4,000. I can't imagine having that kind of money.

Tuesday night we rode the trolley out to Fisherman's Wharf where we walked around and then had dinner over looking the bay.

Wednesday night we went walked around China Town for a bit. Then we took a cab over to Japan Town, where we found our sushi restaurant and ate sushi and drank until our hearts and stomachs were content.

On Friday night we took a ferry ride from Fisherman's Wharf that took us under the (notice my sexy fly-away hair in this one) Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz. This was an amazing ride for me, I loved it probably the most of all.

As the plane took off from San Francisco Airport Saturday morning, I was admiring the view of San Francisco from the air. Just as San Francisco was getting out of my view, I thought to snap a photo from my window. The tiny bit of land that you can see in the top left is the northern edge of San Francisco. The white cloud-looking areas aren't clouds at all actually, that was the fog. It was totally covering the Golden Gate bridge, Alcatraz, and of course the Pacific. I love the way this picture turned out.

I took two rolls of film, but I just tried to pick out the neatest pictures for ya'll. And sorry about the quality, my parents' scanner sucks balls.

San Francisco was great. I had a lot of first's:

First time eating sushi.

First time on a boat.

First time seeing the ocean.

And I liked them all. Now I just want to go somewhere where there's an actual beach and go swimming in the ocean.

Supposedly San Fran is usually in the upper 60's this time of year, but it was high 80's to mid 90's the entire time I was there. So with all the damn walking I did, I was a sweaty pig most of the time. But the cold alcoholic beverages off set it, so it was all good.

Being on or near the water was wonderful. Out of all the major cities I've been to, San Fran is definitely my favorite. Oh and don't worry, I took plenty of pictures which I will try to get posted tonight or tomorrow.

I saw more lesbians that I did gay men, but then again maybe my radar was just on. I also saw a really big manly man wearing a sundress. That was special. A fight almost broke out on one of the trolley rides. And I'll tell you all about the affair of the married lady with the single guy later, both of which are my friends and were in the training with me.

It was a fabulous trip with only two downsides. I missed my son so bad, I actually cried twice. And I got sick before I left. I have a light cold at the moment, so today kind of sucks. But I survived and I'm home and I'm happy. Missed you poopheads too.

Yes, I know I've flown at least a half a dozen times in my life, but each time does not get easier. The night before I can't sleep. The morning of my stomach starts turning into knots. And within an hour or so, I'm mostly numb, my palms are clammy, I'm a little shaky, and I can't breathe all too well. But, I just have to suck it up, right? I try to convince myself how safe flying is. I pray every five seconds and then try to make myself sleep on the plane so I don't have to think about it. Anyone who has a fear of flying totally understands where I'm coming from. But it's you people who are not afraid whatsoever of flying that are of comfort to me. When I get on the plane I look around to find those that are at ease. The ones that probably fly often for work. Flying to them is just like riding in a car. So that's how I try to look at it. I'm the girl at the airport who looks calm and collected, but on the inside I'm screaming, "Please don't make me get on that giant machine of death." Ok, maybe it's not that bad. But I'm a little nervous right now, in case you couldn't tell.

All I ask is that you pray or send good vibes my way for safe flights. I won't be able to get online all week. I'll miss you bitches.

And for some Monday morning hilariousities, check out coolcattt's top ten ways to be the funny guy at work list. I laughed so hard, I peed.