| I feel ugly, fat, disliked, worthless, pathetic, guilty. I may come across as confident and happy, but I'm starting to realize that I have some majorly deep issues that I've been sweeping under the proverbial rug for years now. I can't count the many times I've sat on my bed late at night weeping for what seems like hours. I felt overwhelmed, scared, sad and angry all at once. I was never quite sure why I was crying. I couldn't place my finger on exactly what it was. I felt so depressed with an overpowering sense of doom that lured over me. I�ve wanted to die but was too scared to die. I�m a coward. I've been afraid to really look into myself and deal with my issues. I'm tired of living a secret life of unhappiness. I'm tired of crying whenever I'm alone and not understanding why. I'm tired of standing in the way of my own joy. I have no idea where to go from here. Maybe I need to start praying. Maybe I just need to start really listening to myself and stop overlooking my feelings of despair because I saw those feelings as a weakness. Instead of dealing with my pain, I've been ignoring it and telling it to go away, which is more cowardly and weak that actually having those feelings. Maybe I need to truly forgive myself for causing others and myself pain. Maybe I need to forgive others who have hurt me. I'm sure you don't understand what I'm talking about and I don't expect you to. But I had to get this out. I pride myself on being so fucking honest and all I see in the mirror is a big fat hypocrite. I'm not honest with myself and that should come first. Maybe I'll talk more about this in my diary, maybe I won't. But I know now that I have to start dealing with this shit and stop acting like it doesn't exist. I would like for once to look in the mirror and not make myself sick.
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