I've always been this strange combination of insecure and independent since I can remember. I want to do things on my own, but at the same time I wish for encouragement and acceptance from the people I love. There are a few defining areas in my life that I think have contributed to my insecurity.
Ever since I can remember, I've felt like the outcast of my family. And by family, I mean, my immediate family and my mom's side of my extended family. I have four cousins that were really close to me and my two brothers growing up. We were all close in age and location. Everyone always seemed to have a partner in crime, except for me.
My brothers had each other and still do. I have two female cousins who are sisters and they have each other. Then the two other cousins I referred to are brothers also. I always and still do feel like the odd man out. Now that we are older, however, the main thing that sets me apart from my brothers and cousins is my single parent status. They are all either married with kids, married without kids, or in a relationship. My older brother is going through a divorce, so he can relate to me a little better now, but he still never calls me just to hang out. Everyone is always doing �couples� stuff and they seem to conveniently forget to invite me every time.
See, my brothers and I have this strained, yet close relationship. They were both goody-goodies growing up and I was the rebellious one staying out all night smoking and drinking. They always gave me shit about it and still do sometimes. I've always felt like they were looking down on me. And them being brothers, they have that "bond" that I can never get close to.
When we were kids, I was always the butt of the jokes. I still to this day don't understand how or why it was me, but it was. Now that we are all adults, it has died down a bit. But my family has this tendency to get on these rolls of making fun of someone and it still usually ends up being me. I know they are teasing and I know they all love me, but it still gets to me and I think it has contributed a bit to my underlying feelings of insecurity.
Outside of my family, I've yet to feel like I really belong somewhere. Throughout grade school, there was a group of girls that used to tease and torment me. I remember coming home everyday in tears and telling my mom what had happened each day. In third grade, my parents got so fed up with it that they took me out of school and my mom home-schooled me for the rest of the year. It didn't help that my teacher that year seemed totally insensitive to the teasing I endured.
There were four girls, but whenever the leader was not around, the other three were always really nice to me. It was difficult for me, at such a young age, to understand why the girls would then revert back to being mean when the leader would come back around. I always felt betrayed and ashamed. I honestly don't know why that girl hated me so much, my parents always claimed it was jealously, but who knows. This went on for about eight years. I think it really affected me and I've tried to forgive this girl in my heart, but I still get angry when I think about it. I don't think about it so much anymore, but every once in a while something will remind me or I'll have a dream about her. She was always very fake, so I have a feeling if I ever were to run into her now, she'd be very friendly and act like we were best buds.
And maybe it's just girls being fickle, but I can honestly say I've never had a best friend, at least not one that�s lasted. I used to read books when I was kid about girls who were best friends all their lives and they always had each other to lean on and turn to when life went bad. I was so jealous of those kinds of friendships. I feel like I've been searching my entire life for that one friend who won't leave me or stab me in the back. I sometimes wonder what it is about me that makes me incapable of holding on to my friends.
I'm always in search for the truth, so whether it's me that's got the issues or it's just that I've been running into fucked up people all my life, I don't care, I just want to know.
So I guess everyone's got their own insecurities. And now you know mine. Well, at least the overall sense of insecurity I feel. There are plenty of other little things about myself that I'm insecure about, but those are much easier to deal with. I just want to feel like I truly belong somewhere and find that one person who accepts me and loves me no matter what. I'm not putting my money on it, but I'm not giving up hope either.
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