iquit 11.25.2002

Quitting smoking is like losing your best friend. Not losing them to death, but losing them like never being able to talk to them again, but getting to see them once and a while from a distance. I haven't smoked since Friday, this is about the 5th time I've tried to quit. The longest I've quit for before was a month and I didn't really miss it after the first week or two. I just started again out of habit. It's a fucking habit! I was thinking about it the other day and I came up with this, "the risks outweigh the benefits." Before I was always thinking, "yeah I might die, I might get cancer, it might give my son asthma." But then I starting thinking, God is it worth it? Is it worth putting my son in danger every breath he might accidently breathe of my smoke? Even the smoke on my clothes could harm him. I think I'm such a good mother, but this is just horrible! It's like playing russian rullette with my son, I could fucking bitch slap myself! What's wrong with me? I must be fucking stupid. No, wait, I'm an addict. I am addicted to cigarettes. Fuck those god damn cigarettes for getting me addicted and putting my only child's life in danger and not caring. Is it really that serious? The possibilities are there and if anything were to ever happen to my son because I couldn't kick the habit, I could never forgive myself. Never. So basically, I've been one cranky ass bitch the past couple days. I could easily blow someone's head off with a bazooka, so I guess it's a good thing I don't have a bazooka.

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