neverknow 10.03.2002

I lost my virginity to a guy when I was 15. Amazingly enough we stayed good friends for all these years, I'll be 25 in December, he would have been 27 this year. I was there for him through letters when he went to prison for 2 years. We kept in touch when he moved 8 hours away for a year. And we watched each other fall in and out of love with other people. I got to meet his son a few times, his girlfriend was trying to take away his custody rights. He never did get to meet my son, I'm sure our kids would have been friends. On Easter morning in 2001 he put a gun to his head and killed himself. He always seemed happy before that, with the occassional life battle. I think about him a lot and still can't believe he's gone forever. I don't know why he did it and I wonder what if there was something I could have done to prevent it. He was loved, but maybe it wasn't enough. Death is a very difficult concept for me to grasp. I can't believe that I'll never be able to just pick up the phone and hear his voice. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept it. I am baffled and saddened by what he did. I just realized that no matter how well you think you know someone or how well they seem to be doing, you never know what demons they may be dealing with inside. You just never really know.

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